Take it from Thor: Laugh a Little

Thor (creative commons)

Watching Thor: Ragnarok reminded me: why do we have to take ourselves so seriously?

The genius of this comic-book movie is that everything is played as something of a joke, or at least with a degree of humor.

The most obviously hilarious elements spring from Jeff Goldblum’s perfect “Grandmaster,” and Chris Hemsworth’s Thor is a font of semi-self-aware observations and childish arguments with the Hulk, the neurotic Bruce Banner, and the preening, self-congratulatory Loki. Even the drunken Valkyrie, the rabid fire monster, and the over-the-top villain Hela are absurd in themselves, acknowledging with their smirking expressions that they are—as in a comic book—overdrawn.

This is exactly what a comic-centered movie should be: an entertainment that understands its value lies in larger-than-life characters with awesome strengths and quirky foibles. I give director Taika Waititi credit. He shows us god-like figures (or in Thor’s case, an actual god) who can do it all, and make it look (fairly) easy, while laughing about their absurd predicaments on some level.

The experience as a viewer is a far cry from the “dark,” overly violent, crazy serious comic-book character films we’ve seen in recent years: Spider-Man 3, The Dark Knight, Man of Steel, Batman v. Superman, etc.

If only we could all live with a small smile hovering around the corners of our mouth, like the big-screen Thor. Everywhere I look these days, people are serious. In fact, they demand to be taken seriously, whether they are in favor of something, against something, or just speaking for the most important something: themselves.

Gone are the days of blindly following in one’s father’s or mother’s footsteps, thankfully, but the by-product of our perceived freedom is that the whole of life is now one big game of showmanship.

We believe that we have to appear perfect and convince others of that fact; we must make our case so all can see our value. (It reminds me of the Razzle Dazzle ‘Em scene from the musical/movie Chicago, but without the fun.)

Many people feel that they must defend their own self-importance constantly and attack all who challenge it. Trump daily demonstrates this kind of insecure posturing, sucking the life out of any real public discussion, turning it all into black-and-white, us-vs.-them, I’m-right-you’re-an-idiot.

Heaven forbid we should take a step back and poke fun at ourselves, or make jokes about our own ridiculousness. No wonder people in other countries often see Americans as self-promoting and arrogant.

But how to break out of this humorless zone? Especially given the immense problems our country and our world face, in addition to the challenges of everyday life?

Many days, I just can’t seem to find much to laugh about, even as I pour through my TV, movie, and streaming listings. Great dramas? Yes. Reality TV? Indeed. Science fiction? Check. But humor, for me, is limited to one or two late-night shows, a smattering of stand-up acts, occasional gem-in-the rough, out-of-the-way small screen series, and re-runs of classics that still don’t disappoint like Seinfeld.

I only wish I, too, could be more humorous to add to this limited corpus. I can make my family laugh from time to time, but that’s about it these days. If only the gods had gifted me with great humor! I can appreciate it; I can enjoy it; and I can even cultivate it in my own children, both of whom have done drama performances that made people laugh out loud.

Perhaps the next generation, saddled with ever-increasing problems, will take the comic reins even more forcefully, letting the genie out of the bottle… and easing our self-importance just a bit.

Less than perfect girls

Girls grow up wanting to be perfect. More than that: they think that they have to be perfect to be liked, admired, and successful.

The perfectly behaved young girl is an “angel.” The perfect daughter is a dream–she does what her parents ask and conforms to their wishes. The perfect student always follows her teachers instructions and is at the top of her class. She selects her activities and courses based on those she can perform perfectly, without flaws, deliberately choosing what she’s already best at doing. The perfect friend does what her friends want to do, agrees with their likes and dislikes, and does nice things for them. And underneath it all are very specific expectations about physical appearance, too. After all, the perfect girl (and later on the perfect woman) is pretty, fit, and makes an effort to look attractive.

This outward perfection–and the conformity to others’ wishes, instructions, needs, and desires about their behavior and their appearance–becomes a deep-seated obsession for girls, even at the subconscious level. Somehow girls–and women–feel they will only be loved, respected, and valued if they maintain this facade of being the perfect daughter, student, friend, and later girlfriend, wife, mother, employee, boss. (Note: The mechanism behind this “somehow” needs much more exploration in future posts.)

But while this perfectionism appears to win girls friends and fans, it is incredibly destructive in the long run. Our culture’s expectation that girls and women will behave, and look, a certain way, and that anything outside that is flawed, unwelcome, disruptive, even dangerous, creates an iron-clad box that traps them.

This is not the way to grow women with fresh ideas and plans. This is not the way to raise women leaders.

Leadership is about taking risks and putting your own ideas out there, thinking up original strategies, and–yes, dare I say it?–making mistakes. Errors. Even failing. If you try something outside the boundaries of “perfect” and compliant, rule-following behavior, you might just try something that doesn’t work. You might land face first on the pavement. You might even make enemies and people won’t like you.

What’s more, girls aren’t being encouraged to be true to their own minds and their own potential. Authenticity is rooted being unafraid to voice what you really think–not what your teachers, parents, friends, boyfriend, husband, boss, or social media followers think. It’s about creating your own style–including in your appearance.

So the “teacher’s pet” perfect girl won’t end up at the top of the class in life. Her training in the school of perfection has hampered her, enchained her. This is true behavior-wise and also in the realm of academics and career. And this is something I’ve experienced myself as I try to break away from “good girl” behaviors into taking on new, riskier challenges in my life.

How can we change this situation for girls today? It’s an urgent question to me as the mother of two daughters.

I know I’m not the only person worried about this problem. Numerous Ted talks, research studies, and books are tackling it from various points of view. I’m researching them now and hope to come up with a range of strategies, and then investigate how they are used now and how they could be expanded in the future.

I have come across an approach recently that’s worth exploring: design thinking.

The premise of design thinking is that you should just try things out. Don’t be afraid to fail the first time, because you can always try again. Most endeavors are an iterative process. You can give it a whirl, and if it doesn’t work out, tweak it, and give it another spin. This can apply to marketing products, to creating new inventions, to building an educational program, and even to how you move forward in your life and career, as the incredibly successful book and Stanford course Designing Your Life make clear.

Design thinking has started to make a difference in small ways is the ideas spread. I am eager to see how it could change education, especially for young girls. In my daughter’s third-grade class, her teacher encouraged kids to try out new ways of approaching projects and of doing group classwork. She told them, “It’s OK to try something and to make mistakes. You don’t have to do it right the first time.” The teacher informed students that she did not care if they spelled some words wrong in an essay… or if their handwriting wasn’t perfect. Keep going, keep trying, and keep working on it.

Being the imperfect human beings that we are, making a mistake doesn’t mean you are a bad person–it doesn’t mean you are a “failure.” And it certainly doesn’t mean you are anything less because you are less than perfect.